Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
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*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I finally found a reason to live again.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*