Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN