Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

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If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.


[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]


I’m gonna have a secret lair that consists of toilets and sinks. It’ll be called “John Sinclair’s john and sink lair”


20 years of House Hunters and Hugh Laurie is still alive and kicking. Thank god they don’t seem to be very good at it.


He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.


Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.


The show Hoarders is like a snooze button for cleaning your house, “My place isn’t that bad, I can go another week”


*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good



me: [under my breath] ? ???’? ??????? ???? ????

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you


We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.