@AmishPornStar1

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

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@simoncholland

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

@waelwulf

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

@DumbAlias

Spend hours getting screaming baby to sleep.

Check on sleeping baby.

Can’t hear breathing…prod sleeping baby

Repeat

@sadhatterskwrl

To those folks who retweet my timeline and get my phone buzzing
*thank you
*I see you
*I love you
*we married now
*it’s too late
*it’s done

@samalmightysam

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@Brampersandon_

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

@RodLacroix

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

@Book_Krazy

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

@daemonic3

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.