Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
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ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
my nickname in college
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
(Gaming support cat.)