@AmishPornStar1

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

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@NurseMurderer

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

@murrman5

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

@JohnASinclair

I’m gonna have a secret lair that consists of toilets and sinks. It’ll be called “John Sinclair’s john and sink lair”

@_stylr

20 years of House Hunters and Hugh Laurie is still alive and kicking. Thank god they don’t seem to be very good at it.

@callmeEvian

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

@Bandersnaaatch

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

@thatUPSdude

The show Hoarders is like a snooze button for cleaning your house, “My place isn’t that bad, I can go another week”

@mydmac

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

@climaxximus

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ? ???’? ??????? ???? ????

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

@TheWeirdWorld

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.