Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

my friends: omg how are you!

me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠