Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

This raises questions

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

even bears disappoint their mothers

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?