Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

Getting married soon just need a spouse

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

Favourite diary entry ever

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

This is hilarious….

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.