Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.

Me driving through Toronto

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.