Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
me refusing to leave twitter
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.