Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
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me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
you can only post this today
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)