Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
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*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Cat.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
no refunds
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did