Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is….Is this an option?

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

Went to the grocery store hungry and now I own a grocery store.

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.