My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
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‘CargoAndBoxer’
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Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Phones down.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Does this dress make me look cat?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*