Cashier: Cute kid, how old?
Mom: Thank you, 28 months & 4days. What’s my total?
Cashier: Your total is 756 quarters & 8 dimes.


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My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.


*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”


Girls dont dress up to impress guys. We dress up to impress other girls. If we wanted to impress guys we would just run around naked all day


The pen is mightier than the sword. Unless you have like three followers then go with the sword


Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”


“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
(Nailed it)


“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers


People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.


I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me.

She calls me her sixty second lover.

… Wait.