Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
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I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.