“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 馃槒”
You Might Also Like
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
ME: it鈥檚 like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 馃槄 Congratulations England, richly deserved 馃憦馃徑馃弳 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn鈥檛 have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We鈥檙e not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I鈥檓 still glad to see you though.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don鈥檛! I heard myself too.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?