Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

Windows

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

🤣

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

❤️❤️❤️

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.