Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
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Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom