Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

This could be us, but you weedin’.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

God, I love Scotland

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no