Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

How did we not see this back then?

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

out-housing market appears to be strong