Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.