Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”

“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

In case you needed to hear it:

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

Spanish Government: Anything further to report?

Shakira: No.

Shakira’s hips: YES!

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton