Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
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She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….