Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?