Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
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Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Cats are still liquid.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now