Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!