Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
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You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Me: *panicking*
Friend: just go with your gut
Me: *panicking while eating nachos*
Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.