Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
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I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Woke up against my better judgment again