Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
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All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Roombas should bark
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR