Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
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If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.