CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
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ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Good morning.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
“and how does that make you feel?”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?