Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.