Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

Left at a local drug store…

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster