Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
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My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
tinder is all about the long game