Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
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One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
A great tip. #CakeRex
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.