Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

Florida man

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

[canadians at you, canadianly]

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt