Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
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Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.