Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks