Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.