Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.

1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

Tremendous stuff

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry