Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.