Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
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[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
*walks into Kinko’s*
YO I NEED A CAT SCAN
“I’m sorry sir, we don’t–”
*opens bag & removes a terrified cat*
I ONLY NEED ONE COPY. IN COLOR.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Hannah is single for a reason