Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
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Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.