@orange_rhymer

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

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@TheZachCozad

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

@CornOnTheGoblin

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

@KalvinMacleod

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

@sensual_dad

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

@adamrensch

*walks into Kinko’s*
YO I NEED A CAT SCAN
“I’m sorry sir, we don’t–”
*opens bag & removes a terrified cat*
I ONLY NEED ONE COPY. IN COLOR.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

@DothTheDoth

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.