Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
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no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*