cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
You Might Also Like
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Perfect
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.