I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
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i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
So sick of all these stupid rules
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.