Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

#winning

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir