Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
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Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now