Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.