Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
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The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I am never leaving this website
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
any last words?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult