You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
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I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
She: I like Cats
He:
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.