CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
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Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
worst…sale…ever
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh