Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep