CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
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Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
me when somebody idk start touching me
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
The Friday File.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Bed should get ready for ME
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
