CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
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Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”