CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
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Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead