Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.

My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.