Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

ㅤ

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]