Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

welp

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

we did it you guys we saved daylight

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

*puts my mental health in rice

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi