Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

“You wore that before.”

Yes, because I own a washing machine.

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:

Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

Me too, bag. Me too….

When I snag the last meatball.

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.