Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

I’m about to risk it all

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.