Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
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like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Every haunted house movie:
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.