@dumbbeezie

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

You Might Also Like

@DanMentos

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

@Sean_Burgundy_

There’s nothing worse than when you tell someone it’s a long story and they reply with “I have time.”

@angibangie

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

@impaulmccoy

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

@khook32

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away!

Well grandma, that’s how organ donation works.

@KateWhineHall

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

@lawbsterfest

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

@Dad_At_Law

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.