Me: WHO PUT THE EMPTY MILK BACK IN THE FRIDGE?
Me: YOU LIVE ALONE
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
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At what age do you say never again and actually mean it.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I put the ‘extra vag’ in extravaganza
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Wait. What? You need two people for sex? What does the other one do?
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.