Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

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“So you met the victim on tinder”
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*


There’s nothing worse than when you tell someone it’s a long story and they reply with “I have time.”


*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.


Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.


Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away!

Well grandma, that’s how organ donation works.


I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?


Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.


A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.