Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

These work great until they don’t.

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.