CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
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These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
A dad and his duck
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.