Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

looks legit

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020