Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

This joke is 7 years old

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?