Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

Saw your ex at the shops

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries