Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

…..pretty much.

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

😆this is so true

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

April 1st is the class clown of days.

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup