CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?![]()
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*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Just grow your own
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Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
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Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.