CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
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Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.